A Life In Between

Grief Guide: Thought-Starters for Navigating the Unnavigable

Written by Calais Zagarow Schroeder

Introduction

I spend a lot of time thinking about love languages and how they manifest, not just in my intimate relationships, but also in my friendly and familial ones. Recently I have been thinking that, just as important as how we like to receive love is how we display our love, how sometimes those can be at odds with each other within ourselves and also in our relationships, while other times they totally jive.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed that acts of service and giving gifts are the two manifestations of love that I tend toward when trying to display love. When I see a task that I could do or a thing that I could give that might help someone I love feel or not feel a certain way, I do it. Special soaps as a housewarming gift. A curated basket for a birthday. A random delivery of wine or donuts after a slog of a work week. Folding the laundry left in the dryer. Dropping off donations for you since it’s on my way home. I will do those dishes, so just let it happen!!

When it came to determining what gift we could give to early supporters of A Life In Between, I was overwhelmed with ideas and excitement. A BoySmells candle! A fancy journal! Let’s give them lovely, special things! I love beautiful objects of the everyday and my impulse was to share that with you. But most of us probably don’t need more stuff. The book can be ‘object’ enough.

The greatest gift I can give, that really anyone can give, is the gift of understanding. 

And so that is what I am setting out to do. 

First, with a virtual grieving guide* based on things I’ve learned from others and from my own experience; things I’ve found solace in and things that have helped me through. It is not just for the bereaved, but also the bereaved’s beloveds. Even if you yourself are fortunate to not have recently lost someone, this guide may inspire you about new thoughtful ways to support someone you love who is grieving. 

Second, with the gift of the pen and a place to put your words. As you read A Life In Between, you may find yourself thinking and feeling some really hard things. This is by design. But I wouldn’t be a good friend if I didn’t give you a safe, non-judgmental outlet for whatever the book brings up. If this is your experience and you feel compelled to put your thoughts and feelings out into the universe, I am an email away. I offer you the prompt to write something and send it out into the world, knowing that it is going to someone who is eager to understand. I can read it, or delete it. We can post it on Instagram or light it on fire (seriously, I’ll do it!). By reading my book, you’re opting to bear some of my burdens. Now, let me bear some of yours. 

With love and gratitude, 

Calais 

* Please know that this guide is coming from a place of good intent and is neither a comprehensive nor clinical roadmap. It is purely a series of thought-starters on what you can do or not do, say or not say, in the face of grief if you are looking for ideas or direction based on my personal experience. If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts or a crisis, please reach out immediately to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or text HOME to the Crisis Text Line at 741741. These services are free and confidential.

Things To Say To Yourself

Going about daily life in a state of grief can vary in difficulty every day, and everyone will manage certain ‘triggers’ differently depending on your personality and the circumstances. But regardless of the situation, finding that intrusive thoughts make it difficult for you to concentrate, empathize or maintain composure is common and almost impossible to prevent. What you can do, however, is prepare for those instances. Perhaps you are struggling to concentrate on a project because you’re distracted by flashbacks. Maybe your partner is venting to you about a difficult but benign personal conflict and you can’t show up for them. One of the most difficult things for me still is when someone at work gets twisted up in anger or stress over something that, in the grand scheme of things, is inconsequential. I just want to shake them and say, “This doesn’t matter! My sister is dead! Nothing matters!” Not only would this be unprofessional, but it would be unfair. Just because something isn’t a big thing to me doesn’t mean it can’t be important to them. I’m not the keeper of what is worth or not worth worrying over. So I opt to be gentle with myself, and gentle with the other person. I do what I need to do to politely remove myself from the situation and make space to process why I am reacting a certain way to what’s in front of me. To do that, I speak to myself the way I would someone I love. I focus on the fact that what I’m thinking and feeling is valid, but it’s not necessarily permanent. And I ponder some of the following to get back to a place of clarity:

  • Would it help to put these thoughts and feelings somewhere? Should I write it down? Should I scream it out? Should I look for some external support, like a counselor or a group?

  • Am I breathing? Like really, really breathing? Maybe we should breathe…

  • What is actually making me feel this way right now? Did something happen - a stressful incident, a miscommunication, a triggered memory - or is this feeling just here? 

  • Is this a big feeling or a small feeling that feels big? Is this about my grief, or is it about something else? 

  • When do I feel my grief the most? What can I do in those moments to better support myself? 

  • Do I need to take a step back and just be in my feelings? Will I be more productive or more present if I give myself a few minutes to regroup? 

Things To Say To Someone Grieving

There are no words. Just accept it. No matter what you say it won’t be enough, and it probably won’t be right. Because the feeling when you’ve lost someone you love supersedes language. Know that this isn’t your fault and the person you love who is grieving is not looking for you to fix it. Because you can’t! And that’s okay. What matters is that you’re there, that you keep showing up, that you keep seeing them for who they are now - they will never be the same - especially as time goes on and people tend to forget. Here are some ideas of things to say when you reach out to your loved one:

  • There are no words and I’m so sorry. 

  • I love you so much, and will always love you no matter what. 

  • When you’re ready to talk or to see anyone, please tell me and I will be there.

  • Do you want to talk about it? Do you want me to just listen or do you want me to respond?

  • There is no need to respond or call me back; I just need you to know that I am thinking about you. 

  • I have dropped off (insert thing here) at your front door when you get a chance to grab it.

  • I am sending you a meal this week. If there are any days / times you won’t be home, let me know. Otherwise, I’ll text you what to expect and when - no need to respond.

  • I am on my way to (insert store here) and am going to grab you a few things. Anything specific that you need? Otherwise, I’ll let you know when I’ve dropped it off. 

  • I am going to take a walk in your neighborhood for the next hour. If you want to come outside and have some company, please join me! We can talk or not talk. Whatever you want. If you aren’t up for it, I completely understand and I love you either way. 

  • Can I treat you to (insert thing here) this week? 

  • Does it help to talk about them? 

Things To Do For Yourself

Sometimes the answer is absolutely nothing. Face down, lights off, under the covers nothing. Trash television, cheddar popcorn, soft pajamas nothing. But for when you can muster the energy to offer yourself an experience to be present or to escape, here are some places to start. 

  • Go outside. Sit in the grass. Touch some flowers. Take a walk. Go for a hike or go get your mail. These are all triumphs. 

  • Move your body. As little as some simple stretches or a stroll around the block could change the trajectory of your day. Start small and maybe work up to making it a habit. Exercise is good for you. 

  • Let yourself laugh. You will feel guilty and joy will feel foreign. But forcing yourself to be miserable won’t bring the person you love back. Try a stand-up special on Netflix or scrolling puppy memes on social media. 

  • Eat. Starving yourself also doesn’t bring the person you love back and makes you even crankier than you already are. At a minimum, food is fuel. But food can also be a comfort, a distraction, an adventure. Let people feed you when they offer. Treat yourself to things that make you feel good. Maybe even take yourself on a solo date to sushi or the Whole Foods hot bar. You deserve delicious things. 

  • Read. You can read to escape into another world or another life. Or you can read to immerse into the grief you are feeling (recommendations for which can be found at the end of A Life In Between). Some favorites for escaping: The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid, All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doer, Manhattan Beach by Jennifer Egan, Crazy Rich Asians by Kevin Kwan, The Last Thing He Told Me by Laura Dave, The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett, Olga Dies Dreaming, by Xochitl Gonzalez). 

  • Participate in society. This can be anything. Wander the aisles of Target. Stop by the library. Take your trash to the curb. Drop some old furniture or clothes at a local place in need. The change of scenery and peripheral human engagement will do you good. 

  • Or, if you are ready for the responsibility, adopt a pet! Owning a pet is a lot of work and a big financial commitment, but if you’re in a place where you can manage that, the benefits can be tremendous. Adopting my dog Lupa is one of the most palpably transformative things I have done for my mental health and with the number of tears her velvety soft coat has absorbed over the years, she has truly been the gift that keeps on giving. 

  • Preserve. If I could go back in time, I would’ve found a way to archive and save every piece of my sister’s digital trail to be able to look at later on. Looking at those things just after she passed would’ve been horrible, but with the way the internet works, a lot of things disappear into the ether after a certain amount of time has passed. If you think one day you might want to be able to reread your text exchanges or listen to their voicemails, try to save those in the early days. Or ask a friend to help you and keep them for you for when you’re ready. 

Things To Do For Someone Who is Grieving

Be in communication, with the caveat that they don’t need to answer or respond. Be relentlessly available and present. Text to let them know they’re on your mind. Leave them a voice note or voicemail they can listen to when they’re up for it. And keep doing this well beyond the immediate aftermath of their loss. 

  • Offer meals. Home-cooked food dropped at the door without the need to interact. Food delivery gift cards that they can use however they want. Maybe after some time has gone by, a meal at your home or out somewhere they love. They need to eat and you can help them fulfill this need. 

  • Lend an ear, but always with the question of whether they want you to just listen or to listen and respond. It is so tempting to offer words of solace or advice when someone you love shares that they are hurting, but this is a situation where that could be ill-received no matter how good your intent. Let them know that you are ready to hear whatever they have to say about what they are experiencing and to respond however they need, even if it is not at all. 

  • Take care of ‘tasks.’ They are going to resist you doing anything for them because they want to just be alone and sad, and do NOT want to be a burden. But deep down, they probably would love for someone to come do a no-judgment house or car clean, pick up prescriptions from CVS or water the outdoor plants. Offer to do something extremely specific as more of a statement rather than a question so it makes it very easy for them to say yes. “I am going to come by this afternoon and wash your car. I’ll text you when I’m there so you can unlock it for me, ok?” 

  • Give them entertainment. Make them Spotify playlists. Buy them an album. Drop off magazines. Gift them an iTunes gift card or Netflix subscription. Give them some art supplies. Lend them some books. Send them things that make you think of them on social media. 

Things To Avoid: For Yourself

Grief transforms, but it persists. We talk about this in A Life In Between. It will come and go, ebb and flow, rear and roar and morph and stall. Yes, this does mean in moments of joy it can be lurking around the corner. But more importantly, in moments of utter despair, relief is on the way. A reprieve will come. With time, with distraction, with support. So if you do anything, just know that. And if you don’t do anything, well here are some things to avoid doing:

  • Indefinitely close yourself off to the world. We are social creatures. Depriving yourself of light, love, sustenance and fresh air won’t do anything to bring your loved one back. It will just make you feel worse. Have your moments alone. Descend into darkness discriminately. Just don’t forget you are worth more than your most haunted hour. You owe it to yourself and to the person you lost to keep going. So step outside. Go to the grocery store. Let a friend accompany you on a walk. There is zero reason to go it alone.

  • Make any major financial or legal decisions. I won’t say avoid all big choices in the aftermath of losing someone, because grief can sometimes be clarifying and illuminating. But it can also be very all-consuming and desensitizing, even when you don’t realize it. For example, I forced myself to do my taxes just a few weeks after my sister passed and… let’s just say I didn’t realize I had forgotten to include an entire W2. I hired an accountant the following year to help with the complexities of moving and changing jobs, and thank goodness they discovered this before more time went by. I had to pay interest on that! I should’ve taken the pressure off, given myself more time or asked a friend for help. 

  • Turn away a free meal. Your friends are desperate to do anything to help you. You are hungry and sad. You are not a burden. You are not a pity. You are hurting and it’s okay to accept help. 

  • Clean house on memories. There may be times where seeing remnants of your loved one, such as photographs or personal items, is so painful you want to just throw them away. Everyone grieves differently, but like we covered before, grief transforms. What hurts today might be just the antidote tomorrow or a year from now. If you feel compelled to remove things from sight, stow them somewhere safe so you can revisit later if you want to. 

Things To Avoid: For Someone Grieving

This is so hard because you are well-meaning and your friend is in need, but everyone handles grief so, so differently. What may be helpful for you or one person may come off insensitive to someone else, and vice versa. So it is a delicate dance, but one you need to participate in because not doing anything at all is the biggest don’t. 

  • Stay silent. It will be tempting to avoid saying or doing anything because you don’t want to do the wrong thing. You might tell yourself you don’t want to be annoying or you want to give the person space. Don’t. The person you love who is grieving needs you, even if they say otherwise. They may not need to be with you or talk to you, but they need to know that you are there, that you are thinking of them, that you are available if and when they are ready. Grief is extraordinarily isolating and it is critical that people experiencing it are reminded that they are not alone. See the ‘what to say’ section for what you can try saying. 

  • Compare. Even if you have experienced a loss alarmingly similar to someone else’s, you are not them. The person you lost is not the person they lost. The way you are grieving is not the way they are grieving and (ironic to say in a guide for grieving) what helped you during your time of need is not necessarily what will help them. Resist the urge to bring up your own losses unless the person explicitly asks or tells you they want your guidance and experience. 

  • Expect anything. You might not get a call or text back. Not even an emoji. You’re probably not going to get a thank you card. You may not even get a direct invitation to a funeral or commemoration services. You for sure shouldn’t be expecting them to show up to anything and if they do, you shouldn’t expect them to be their normal selves. One of the biggest gifts you can give to someone you love who is grieving is expecting nothing from them at all and appreciating whatever words or actions they do manage to muster.